I Don't Wanna Be A Monster
by houseofanubislover10897
Summary: Mal gives up her magic at Cotillion, Co-Authored by Twilightandpercyjacksonlover30 :)


**Mal's POV**

"Monster!" A familiar elderly voice shouts and I turn my head to see queen Leah pointingand glaring daggers at me.

"Queen Leah..." Ben starts.

"No I have put up with this long enough! That thing is _exactly_ like her mother! a monster!" she shouts.

"I'm not a monster" I protest weakly.

"You turned into a _dragon_ , the _exact_ same _creature_ your mother did! Your just like her!"she shouts at me.

"Mal just _saved_ us using that power!" Ben exclaims angrily.

I watch Ben and Leah bicker back and forth and suddenly that familiar feeling of my emotions going all over the place comes back.

"I need to go" I whisper. If I turned again I'd just her right in her mind. Suddenly I'm covered in purple smoke and when it disappears I'm in my normal vk clothes and I'm alone on the roof of Auradon Prep. Oh great ben is going to panic but I need a minute. I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, slowly calming down. I open my eyes and just sit on the edge, my feet dangling towards the ground. For a moment I just sit and enjoy the peace and silence that night time provides. This is one thing I don't think I'll ever completely get used to. Night time is when the isle seems to come alive, lots of action and people wandering around, street music often playing and dance offs in allyways. After a few minutes I snap out of my thoughts and cast a spell to let me see what going on back on the boat. I watch the mist in front of me reveal Fairy Godmother and Queen Leah arguing, unfortunately I can't hear anything being said. I quickly change that in time to hear the rest of Queen Leah's rant.

"...Only a matter of time before she ruins _everything_ , she should be _put down_ for the safety of the kingdom!" she shouts andeveryone freezes.

" _Queen Leah_!" Ben roars.

"You say _one_ more word and it won't be Mal you need to worry about, you are on _very_ thin ice right now!" he shouts angrily, I have _never_ seen Ben so angry. I quickly teleport back to the ship and grab Ben by the arm.

"Ben stop.." I order gently. Ben wraps his arms around me keeping himself slightly in front of me. I lightly push him away and contemplate on whether or not I'm actually going to do this.

"You're scared of me?" I ask her firmly, standing my ground. Queen leah looks at me nervously, not sure what I'm about to do.

"You all really think I'm dangerous? Well that can easily be fixed" I say hardly as I hold my right hand a few inches away from my heart and concentrate.

"Mal? What are you doing?!" Ben cries. A bright green light forms under my chest and after a moment I successfully pull out my magical core. I look at the bright green glowing ball of magic in my hand for a moment before looking at Fairy Godmother.

"Take it" I say, holding it out to her. And I sadly notice that my hair is now completely blonde but I wave that thought out of my head, that doesn't matter right now. She hesaties then comes and gently takes the ball from me.

"I'll look after it until you want it back I promise" she sats gently and I shake my head.

"Just take it...I don't want it anymore, I'm tired of everyone looking at me like I'm a freak. If being a weak defensless human is what it'll take to finally make everyone back off and leave me alone then fine. I don't care anymore" I say emotionlessly before walking off, quickly dissapearing into the ship. I don't where I'm going but I end up in a suite fitted with blue and yellow. I give a small smile, fitting that I should end up in Ben's suite. I lock myself in the room and sit on the floor with my back against the door. I wipe the tears away from my eyes and mentally pat myself on the back for doing the right thing. Maybe now I'll finally get my life back, or at least part of it. Maybe being without magic won't be so bad, I can easily dye my hair purple again and people will stop being afraid of me. Everybody wins.

"Mal? Please let me in" ben pleads, his voice cracking.

"Ben please go away, I need a moment to be alone and think" I say, I really don't wanna be near him right now.

"I'll come back to the party in a moment I promise" I continue, not wanting him to feel bad.

"I understand that but...I can't leave you now Mal not after what just happened. You don't have to talk to me, I'll sit in the corner and not speak if that's what you need but please let me in" he pleads.

I sigh before reluctantly standing up and unlocking the door. Ben slowly opens the door and I move farther into the room and sit on the blue arm chair in the back right corner of the room.

"I still can't be trusted to be left alone?" I ask as I sit down while he closes and locks the door.

"I can't do much damage anymore" I laugh humorlessly as he walks farther into the room.

"No it's not that, I came because I was worried about you...Mal you didn't have to do that" he says gently as he kneels in front of me.

"I wanted to...and you should be happy Ben you got what you wanted" I say quietly.

"What I wanted? What do you mean?" he asks gently.

"I saw that look in your eyes the second you saw the spell book in the basket, I've never seen you so dissapointed. Me using magic is what caused that fight and now it's gone...I have to do everything completely on my own now, no powers whatsoever...It won't be so bad, I can just dye my hair purple again and maybe I'll have to cutback on my school classes to focus on royal lessons but I'll be okay. At least now I can have a somewhat normal life now that I'm like everyone else" I say softly with a shrug.

"Mal...I never wanted you to give them up I was more upset that you lied to me not that you were actually using magic, you shouldn't have had to give up a part of yourself" he says gently as he takes my hand.

"It's okay Ben, I honestly don't want it anymore. It's not worth the trouble" Ben looks at me sadly then stands up and pulls me into his arms.

"You're still my Mal you know that right? No matter what" he murmurs into my neck.

"I know, don't worry Ben it'll be okay" I say gently, letting him go.

"Now if that's all you had to say could you please go? I'm sure everyone is missing you at the party and I really just want to be alone right now" I say softly. As much as I hate pushing him away I really don't want to be near anyone right now, I've had enough socializing for the day.

"No that is _not_ all I have to say" he says firmly as he pulls back to look at me

"Do you know how scared I was when you did that? I thought you were going to _kill_ yourself, _don't ever_ do that to me again! I _can't_ lose you" he says firmly before crushing me with another hug. "Ben I wouldn't kill myself no matter how bad it got, I haven't tried to do that in over six months. I'm sorry it scared you but I'm okay and it's over, can we please just move on from it?" I plead against his shoulder and he shakes his head

"I could have Queen Leah brought up for treason for what she said" he growls lowly.

"Ben please stop, what she said doesn't bother me. I've heard much worse things" I say quietly.

"Mal what she said was a threat against the ruling royal family, she threatened it's future Queen" he says, pulling back slightly to look at me.

"Ben I'm not a part of the royal family, I just want to forget about it so could you please just _drop_ it" I say frustratedly, standing up. This conversation is the _last_ thing I need right now, I just wanna be alone and get some sleep.

"At least let me take her off the council with your life as my lady of the court it would be easier for you. And you ARE part of the family your my future Queen" he pleads as he stands up too.

"Ben...please stop. Okay the only reason I let you in here is because you _promised_ you'd be quiet and let me think if that's what I wanted and all you're doing is bugging me. So either leave the room and give me some peace or I will leave and find a new place to hide, which is it gonna be?" I say frushtratedly, losing the last of my patience and Ben sighs sadly. "Alright" he mumbles as he sits on the bed and fixes his gaze out the window. I sigh in relief and sit back down on the chair, grateful I can finally hear myself think. I don't know how long we sit there in silence but it has to be a while and suddenly I just need ben to hold me. I get up and walk over to him before curling up in his lap.

"Can you just hold me?" I sniff and he wraps his arms around me immediately.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you" I mumble into his jacket, feeling guilty that I took my anger out on him when he's only trying to help.

"It's ok I get it, its a very emotional situation for you I know you didn't mean it" he murmurs softly.

"Look I know you wanna help...but there are some things I need to handle by myself and this is one of them, all you can do is just be there for me" I say softly, kissing his cheek.

"I can do that" he says with a nod.

"Look at it this way, at least you know for sure that part of me is still the same" I say with a small laugh at the mention of my temper.

"yeah..." he smiles. I hug him thinking about how I'm dying my hair purple again ASAP, I miss it already.

"I love you, I'm _so_ sorry about what happened with Uma" he murmurs.

"I love you too" I mumble and he kisses the top of my head.

"I love you" I repeat, burying my face in his shoulder.

"And thank you by the way I loved the picture" I say softly, kissing his cheek. He snuggles closer to me and a few minutes later we're interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Yes?" I call as I get off of Ben's lap in favor of sitting next to him and taking his hand instead.

"Mal? Ben? Are you two alright?' Adam calls though the door.

"We're fine dad" Ben calls back.

"I hate to pressure you both but you're needed back the party" he calls through the door and I sigh.

"Ben will be going in a minute" I call back.

"I'm not going back out there, please go I'll be okay" I tell Ben pleadingly and he nods reluctantly.

"I'll be back soon" he mumbles as he kisses my forehead before he leaves. I sigh before getting up and locking the door. I go to the closet and get changed into some blue sweats with yellow stripes on the side and a yellow t-shirt before crawling to the bed and getting under the covers. I must have dosed off because the next thing I know Ben is stroking my hair.

"Mmh how was the party?" I mumble sleepily, closing my eyes again.

"Boring without you" he whispers.

"It couldn't have been that bad...you had the others" I say, cutting myself off with a big yawn.

"Nope I didn't even do anything"he says and I open my eyes.

"Not even one dance?" I ask surprised.

"Nope I didn't have my girl to dance with" he says and I don't need my eyes open to know he's shaking his head.

"You could've danced with Evie, I wouldn't have minded" I say with a small smile, opening my eyes slightly.

"Evie had Doug I didn't want to dance anyway" he murmurs.

"I don't understand why, it was your party" I say before closing my eyes again.

"Dancing with anyone but you brings up bad memories now" he whispers and I frown and open my eyes immediatly to see him looking down at me sadly.

"It wasn't your fault" I say softly, pulling him down to lay with me.

"I'm still sorry...the look on your face...the things I said" he sniffs

"That wasn't you...that was the spell talking" I say gently.

"I should realized sooner but...I guess I wouldn't have blamed you if you wanted nothing to do with me after what happened between us, I just didn't expect it to be Uma" I say quietly. I pull him to me and rub my face against his, wishing I could purr to him. To compromise I nuzzle my head against his. He purrs and wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer.

"We're okay, we're going to be okay" I whisper as I continue to nuzzle him.

"I know" he whispers back pulling me closer. I bury my face in his neck and take a deep breath, for some reason his scent has always calmed me down, he smells like home.

"I know this is probeley the LAST thing on you mind right now but...I miss your purple hair" he says with a pout. I laugh before kissing his cheek.

"I'll dye it purple tomorrow" I promise him. He kisses my forehead and purrs happily. I giggle before rubbing my nose against his.

"I'm guessing purple is your favorite color, I thought it was blue" I say playfully.

"It's a tie" he chuckles.

"Purple, blue, or green" I laugh.

"I guess we will have to have another game of questions" he chuckles.

"Haha maybe in a few weeks we can do that at the ruins...we haven't been there in a while" I say softly with a small smile.

"Done" he says happily then frowns.

"I'm sorry about that" he mumbles.

"Stop apologizing, we've both been pretty busy and it's hard to get any time alone because of the press" I say softly.

"I have a feeling it'll be worse for me for a while because of tonight but hopefully things will settle down now that I'm human" I say with a small smile and he nods reluctantly

"That's going to change I promise" he says firmly.

"If they say anything to you we just blame Leah" he continues.

"Don't make promises you can't keep" I say with a sad smile before rolling on to my opposite side.

"I _will_ keep that one, I know what it's like to lose you" he says firmly.

"I wouldn't go away again, you know that" I say softly, closing my eyes.

"You don't have to physically leave for me to lose you Mal" he says softly.

"What do you mean? I'm still me, nothing's changed" I say gently.

"It's not that, I know you haven't but what I mean is I want to make time for the emotional side of our relationship as well, not just physically being in the room together" he explains gently. I take his hand and wrap his arm around my waist, my smaller hand covering his larger one.

"Case and point what started all this in the first place is you feeling like you couldn't tell me it was too much for you at one time" he says sadly as he squeezes my hand. He frowns and looks at me sadly as he twirls a lock of blonde hair between his fingers

"Ben..." I sigh.

"That was both our faults and you have _already_ apologized so stop beating your self up...please" I plead

"I'm still sorry...are you not going to get your magic core back?" he asks sadly and I shake my head no. Having my magic isn't worth having people constantly smothering me with questions or being afraid of me, afraid of what I could do if I switched sides again.

"It's not worth it...I still have you that's all i need" I say softly. He pulls me into another hug and I bury my face against his shoulder, closing my eyes to fight off burning tears. Part of me is always going to miss my powers, but the possibility of losing Ben again isn't worth keeping them.

"I _really_ hate bring this up but...we DO need to do something about Leah" he sighs.

"Ben... _let it go_ already" I say firmly.

"One day I _will_ get you to believe that you're worth defending" he sighs.

"Ben...honestly nothing she says bothers me, I've heard worse things" I insist.

"That's not the point Mal...the point is that she indirectly threatened to _kill_ you, even if you weren't future Queen which you are as King I have a responsibly. I can't just do nothing" he says.

"Yes you can...because that's what I'm asking you to do. And in the past six months I've never asked you for anything so you know I'm serious about this" I say firmly. Ben and I have a silent stare down before he sighs.

"Alright compromise, I won't do anything _this_ time but _one_ more word and she _will_ be dealt with" he says firmly and I nod.

"Deal" I sigh, grateful that I sort of managed to win this time.

"You can say no but...do you want to stay with me tonight?" he asks softly.

"I thought it was obvious that I was...if I didn't want to be with you I would've just left when I snapped at you" I say quietly. Ben tugs me closer giving me a light kiss. I nuzzle my face against his affectionately, still feeling kinda bad that I snapped at him.

"I get it you were in a very emotional state...and I've snapped at you and you've forgiven me" he reminds gently.

"I don't like who I am when I'm angry...at least it's not so bad now that I'm mortal" I murmur.

"Everybody gets angery sweetheart even pure mortals its natural" he says gently.

"Yeah but with my powers it's a lot worse, at least I'm not dangerous anymore" I sigh.

"you were never dangerous...your mom was dangerous, Uma was dangerous because of how they CHOSE to use their powers. YOU chose to use them to save everyone" he says.

"When I'm angry I black out, and when I snap out of it I don't remember what I did and the last time I did that I almost killed someone...believe me It's better this way" I sigh sadly, wincing at the memory.

"Wait...when was this?" he asks gently.

"A few months before you invited us to Auradon, I got so angry that I blacked out...when I snapped out of it I was on top of Jay and my hands were around his throat choking him...Ben I broke his arm" I whimper.

"That look of horror on his face...the pure terror in his eyes...I will never forgive myself" I sniff as tears prick my eyes.

"that was on the isle, a volatile, fight for your life every day situation it was not something that would normally happen" he says gently as he wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head.

"Obviously you don't know me very well...that happened _a lot_ on the isle, and that was the last straw for me" I say sadly.

"I know you better then anyone Mal and again that was on _the isle_ it hasn't happened since you got here" he says as he strokes my hair.

"And it never will, my powers only made everything worse and it's for the best for everyone that they're gone" I say while nodding my head.

"If that's what you think I will support you...I will love you weather you have powers or not" he says softly.

"Ben I almost blacked out three times this week" I say bluntly, looking up at him.

"One of them was when I was with you" I whisper.

"This week has been _incredibly_ stressful Mal don't judge how you can handle things on it it's going to be different now" he says soothingly.

"I think I know when that was" he says quietly.

"Definitely, I can't hurt anyone now...When I got close to blacking out there was always a little voice in my head saying _'kill them, make them pay for it'_ and when I couldn't control it I did really bad things" I say with my head bowed, not taking my eyes off the royal blue sheets.

"That voice is _not_ you Mal" he says firmly but I don't listen.

"That day part of me just wanted to choke you to get you to shut up, I had to force myself to walk away so I wouldn't hurt you like I did Jay" I mumble feeling completely ashamed.

"'You wouldn't have done it really you would have stopped yourself" he says. Oh Ben...always seeing the best in people even when they don't deserve it.

"Part of me thinks I would've stopped if I looked at you after hurting you, or I would've kept going until you were seriously hurt..either way you would've been hurt if I hadn't walked away" I say sadly.

"Queen Leah was right in a way" I say quietly after a moment.

"You _wouldn't_ have done it Mal the fact that you got yourself to walk away proves it" he argues.

"Because after what happened with Jay I swore I'd never put my hands on someone I cared about" I say firmly

"my point exactly don't you _ever_ think that Leah was right again" he tells me.

"She kind of was though...I'm a lot like my mom. When we enter a room all laughter dies, we ruin special events, and we both have very bad tempers" I say sadly, naybe I really am a monster and I just need to accept it.

"Mal monsters are beings who _do not_ care that they will hurt someone, monsters _enjoy_ doing it the fact that you walked away from me to stop yourself, the fact that you _still_ beat yourself up about what happened with jay proves you are _not_ a _monster_!" he scolds, his voice raising a few times.

"I'm not a monster...I'm just a very very bad person" I murmur quietly before rolling over so my back is facing him.

"You know who you _actually_ just described was my dad before he met mom" he murmurs, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

"Everyone's bad sometimes...even I'm learning" he says and I can feel his smirk against my neck. I just close my eyes and try to block out my thoughts.

"Ben you could never be bad, Evie and the boys told me you were horrible at it, and not in the _good_ way" I chuckle. Ben tightens his arms around me and kisses the back of my head.

"Maybe i just didn't have the the right teacher" he says playfully.

"Well it's not gonna be me...my bad side is gone" I sigh sadly.

"If you say so you don't have to bad to be wicked i liked that side of you" he murmurs.

"I'm sorry I ruined your party" I mumble, remembering how important the Cotillion was supposed to be. I sigh and just bury my face in the pillow, ready for this night to finally end

"You did not ruin the party" he disagrees

"You were captured and spelled by Uma because I was stupid enough to run away and too stubborn to come back with you when you asked me to, I turned into a dragon at what was supposed to be a very important night for you, it seems like the only thing I'm good at is screwing everything up" I say frushtratedly.

"I was captured by uma because I gave up on you too easily, you turned into a dragon to _protect_ me from a sea witch that wanted to drown me the only thing you seem to be good at is _saving_ me" he says and I chuckle softly.

"A villain saved the day" I laugh, shaking my head slightly.

"No _my girl_ saved the day" he says proudly.

"I'm gonna go to sleep, at least I can't do anything when I'm sleeping" I mumble before beginning to zone out.

"Ok...I love you" he murmurs.

"I love you too...I'm sorry I'm not good at expressing it yet" I murmur.

"you don't have to say it for me to know" he says before kissing my cheek. I smile slightly before covering my head with the blanket, ready to hideaway and sleep. Ben curls around me and rests his head on my shoulder.

"Look at it this way...at least I'm not going to hibernate this year" I giggle. Ben chuckles and kisses my temple.

"I have a feeling you wouldn't be happy if I had fallen asleep for eight weeks and missed Christmas" I murmur playfully.

"I would have saved your gift" he says as he nuzzles my neck.

"Haha...you probably wouldn't have left my side until I woke up" I chuckle.

"Also true" he chuckles back.

"I normally start hibernation November first and wake up January first" I tell him. "I would have going through Mal withdrawal by then" he pouts.

"Haha...you'd have your parents and Evie and the boys for the holidays" I tease

"They're not you" he whines.

"I know but you would've been okay, they could tell you any stories you wanted" I say softly.

"I still would have tackled you when I got you back...I would have missed you" he murmurs. I smile and roll over before kissing his forehead.

"I'm tempted to get my core back just to see you do that" I say playfully.

"well... up to you" he says with a playful look in his eyes. I laugh and shake my head, I'm not going to get it back.

"Would you like me to do it anyway?" he teases.

"Maybe" I say coyly. His eyes flash playfully and he pins me underneath him. I giggle and look up at him.

"Your move" he tease. I growl before flipping us over.

"I win" I say playfully. Ben flips us back over and nips at my jaw running his fingers through my hair with a low growl in his throat. I flip us over again and lock my jaw on to his neck lightly, just enough to show him who's boss. Ben growls louder and his grip tightens on my hair but not enough to hurt. In response I bite a little bit harder, making sure I don't hurt him. He turns his head and bites me back but like me he makes sure it doesn't hurt. I let out a low growl but allow myself to submit for a moment. He smiles running his fingers through my hair gently.

"I love you" Ben mutters against my neck, pressing his lips to where he just bit then gives it a light lick.

"I love you too" I mumble, running my fingers through his hair. He nuzzles his face into my hair purring.

"Good boy" I murmur and he chuckles. He let's out a small yawn before snuggling up to me.

"We should get some sleep" I murmur as he settles on top of me, causing ne to chuckle. He yawns again before nodding his head against my neck. I close my eyes and continue to stroke his hair. Soon we both fall asleep with matching smiles on our faces.


End file.
